Equipoise : Balancing Autonomy & Connection in a Marriage

 ▪️ Marriage is one of the life changing events in a person's life. People decide to spend the rest of their lives with a "compatible partner" and build a family with them. They enter into this next phase of life with a lot of expectations. Marriage was considered as a welcome change in one's life.

▪️ In an average Indian family, marriage was presumed as an essential thing in one's life. Majority of the people had a similar, linear flow of events.

EDUCATION --- JOB --- MARRIAGE --- CHILDREN

▪️ And this cycle repeats. Parents had the responsibility of settling their children both personally & professionally. 

▪️ Most of the marriages in the past were deemed to be successful. Even if one or both of the partners were unhappy in their marriage, still they used to be together for the sake of their children, society etc with some adjustments and compromises. 

▪️ Over the past few decades, the number of unsuccessful marriages has been rising gradually. There has been a paradigm shift in the mentality of people's concept of marriage and their approach towards it. Now, people don't prefer to stay in a strenuous relationship with a lot of compromise. They just want to be in a relationship where both of them are happy.

▪️ Setting aside the aspect of a successful of unsuccessful marriage, these days, most of the people in a marriage are stressed. There a plethora of reasons for it but one of the common reasons for it is "Lack of a balanced approach."

                           

▪️ Most of the couples enter into a marriage with a lot of expectations from their partner. They try to merge into a "WE" and build their life together. It's good having a sense of togetherness and inclusiveness. This helps to build a strong foundation for a marriage. 

▪️ People generally detach from their friends or social circle after entering a relationship or marriage. They become overdependent on each other. But subconsciously, having a lot of expectations from the partner alone burdens them and eventually strains the relationship.

▪️ By the time one realises this bitter truth, he or she has no friend circle with common interests and they think it's too late now. Thus many people end up frustrated with their marriage. This may cause breach in the commitment towards each other, leading to various kinds of infidelity (Physical, Emotional, Financial, Digital)

The takeaway is " Your partner should be your first priority but not the only one." 

"While it’s wonderful and all to find someone you love and want to build a life with, it’s foolish not to preserve some sense of autonomy in the relationship. Sometimes, you're just speaking for yourself. "

▪️ Unlike previous generation, our generation has adopted the above mentioned takeaway. But equally important to know is where to draw the line. As shown in the picture, the proportions of I & We are important. Many people these days have increased sense of individuality. If I becomes more than We, then one may reach a point where they feel, they don't need the other person for their needs and expectations.

The takeaway is "I is equally important but not more than We."

▪️ More than anyone, the current generation should know that there is no such thing as "compatible partner" at the time of selecting one. Only over a period of time, with understanding, adjustments and compromises , we get our compatible partner. 

▪️ It is not Love alone which sustains a relationship. The honeymoon phase of a relationship fades out after a while.  Actions speak more than words. The same is applicable for Love too. Be it at work or at home, one should support their partner on a physical, mental & emotional level. Mutual respect towards each other is essential for any long term relationship. 

Marriage is a continuous learning process where one should adapt to each other based on their circumstances. One's advice may not suit the other but the basic fundamentality of it still remains the same.

- Written by Dr. Manikanth Vivek